I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
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I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
*puts words between two asterisks*
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Social distancing in Australia:
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.