I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
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Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
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Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.