I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
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therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
pizza
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I think this cat is broken
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.