“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
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Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.