I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
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– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
the best thing i’ve ever made