I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
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*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
The two types of wives
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Do not levitate over flowers
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet