@GetCougarized

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

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@ObscureGent

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

@Cassee999

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

@MollyWoooo

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

@Marlebean

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

@theshamingofjay

No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn’t follow through on at the end of the year, I’d get married again.

@euphriae

THERES THIS COUPLE ON THE SUBWAY AND THE DUDE IS SO HEATED AND JUST SAID “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BABY PIGEON??? NO!! THATS BC THE GOVERMENT CREATED BIRD ROBOTS TO SPY ON US” AND SHE JUST WENT “KEVIN THERE ARE MIDDLE AGE PAINTINGS WITH PIGEONS” AND HE, AGAIN SAID “THE GOVERMENT”

@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

@jennifermerr

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs