*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
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He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn’t follow through on at the end of the year, I’d get married again.
Not having sex till I have kids
THERES THIS COUPLE ON THE SUBWAY AND THE DUDE IS SO HEATED AND JUST SAID “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BABY PIGEON??? NO!! THATS BC THE GOVERMENT CREATED BIRD ROBOTS TO SPY ON US” AND SHE JUST WENT “KEVIN THERE ARE MIDDLE AGE PAINTINGS WITH PIGEONS” AND HE, AGAIN SAID “THE GOVERMENT”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs