I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
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What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Pandas 🐼🖤