I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’m not paranoid, but I feel like there’s someone reading this…
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It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn’t go out of business or something.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Me: These books are half price.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Divorced couples have two chromosomes. Ex and why.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Welcome to Twitter.