I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
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Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
just gave your address to some spiders
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
wow he looks just like him
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?