I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword