I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
repaired
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Netflix: We have Less