“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
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I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.