Hey! This isn’t my car!
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Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Actually cracking up @ this
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
*seductively corrects your posture*
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-