I think we should hear other voices.
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My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Fidel Castro was alive?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”