I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
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Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious