I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

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[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”


last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house 😀


When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2


Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?


*talking to mailman*
So are you like, made of mail?
*mailman laughs* “sure, kid”
So that must mean..
*fireman & garbageman walk by*
Holy shi


Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.


1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us


You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.


Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.