@tropicalenvy

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

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@FrogAvalanche

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

@beardofprey

last night my dog shit on the floor then at some point the Roomba came and smeared it all over the house 😀

@Reverend_Scott

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

@gobmentcheese

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

@IRLPepperMD

*talking to mailman*
So are you like, made of mail?
*mailman laughs* “sure, kid”
So that must mean..
*fireman & garbageman walk by*
Holy shi

@GuyAdvisor

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

@CrockettForReal

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

@JesseWeller

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

@PetrickSara

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.