I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.