I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
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You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”