Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
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Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
this could fix me
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
welcome back
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.