@nickmullen

I’m not religious but I’m spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don’t feel bad about shoplifting

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@BrattyBarbie

I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method.

@BoogTweets

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

@david8hughes

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

@sadhatterskwrl

To those folks who retweet my timeline and get my phone buzzing
*thank you
*I see you
*I love you
*we married now
*it’s too late
*it’s done

@Sassafrantz

Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]

“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”

@daddydoubts

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

@KevinFarzad

PLEASE LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE, in the woods, surrounded by a pack of wolves.

@13spencer

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

@ZGhaoN

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends