I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
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if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
only 11 steps left
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
When I laugh on my period
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…