I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
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You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I put the p in pants.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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