I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

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i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks


Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.


My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.


cop: what do we put for cause of death
me: health complications
cop: but he was beheaded
me: really complicates one’s health, doesn’t it


Tried to pick a booger off my phone screen. Ended up calling my mom, signing up for AOL and getting an online degree in refrigerator repair


FACEBOOK: Hey, remember me? I’m a girl you met in college, in that one class. We never really talked. Anyway, here’s 97 pictures of my baby.


North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.


Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.


No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.