I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
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Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
lmao
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.