@MaryKoCo

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

- @MaryKoCo

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@Megatronic13

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

@buseysteeth

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

@ChipKellysBalls

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

@thenatewolf

Sorry, Babe, it’s over.

*I get on my motorcycle but I can’t get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*

@daemonic3

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

@MomofTeen

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

@FatherWithTwins

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

@NOTVIKING

[first day as an anesthesiologist]

me: i hope i gave him enough anesthetic to keep him asleep during surgery

doctor:

patient: why would you put the surgeon to sleep

@Reverend_Scott

when the cashier tells me my total, I always say, “that was a great year”. depending on how they react to totals like $16.92 or $34.20 tells me if they’re a time traveler or not.