Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
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Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
No selfies while hijacking a train.
*found in the netflix horror section*
“Mary has a secret that’ll TEAR YOU APART”
Movie name: Mary piranha
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.