Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me *enters new password*
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either