@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

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@TheHyyyype

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

@mommywhitfield

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

@HousewifeOfHell

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

@MissSassy_Pants

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

@ArfMeasures

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

@SeanINCypress

Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?

@BoomBoomBetty

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

@AlsBoy

Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either