I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
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* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of