I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
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“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Oops I deleted….