I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

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A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.


*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.


Here it is, folks:

“Do imaginary octopi have …

(wait for it)

(wait for it)



Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king


[after moving into a haunted house]

*setting up potters wheel* OH NO WHO WILL HELP ME LEARN POTTERY

*sitting in silence for 40mins*


A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.


My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:

Nacho phone
Nacho allowance
Nacho ride to your friend’s house


Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.