I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
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The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord