Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
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If I donate blood and you’re in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don’t blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
We should’ve cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they’re part of a Thriller flash mob
NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse
VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05
“Meh” -apathetic cow
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.