Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
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My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.
*angrily whispering over crib*
“Sheila you know I was raised by wolves. I have to pay it forward.”
“But why do they need their own cribs?”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Who called it “wearing a monocle” and not “putting on a bit of a spectacle?”
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”