I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.