I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

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Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.


My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.


*angrily whispering over crib*
“Sheila you know I was raised by wolves. I have to pay it forward.”
“But why do they need their own cribs?”


I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?


People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am


ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction


Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series


[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.


Who called it “wearing a monocle” and not “putting on a bit of a spectacle?”


I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”