I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.