@fightforfood

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

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@RobElliottComic

*Sets fire to city*

Pppffttt… More like the Roman em-pyre…

-Attila the Pun

@DrakeGatsby

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

@writeden

Just thinking about that time in high school where they told us that, if we see a menacing person approaching, the best self defense is to act like a goddamn lunatic cuz no one wants to mess with a crazy person

@truegritrumble

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

@junejuly12

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

@chuuew

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

@Parkerlawyer

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

@TheBoydP

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

@suziqkelley

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?