@fightforfood

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

- @fightforfood

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Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.

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I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

@Dawn_M_

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

@Sarcasmo718

Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.

@iloveskyrim71

I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, Shark! Help!

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@Skoogeth

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

@AnkCoupleTO

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM