*Sets fire to city*
Pppffttt… More like the Roman em-pyre…
-Attila the Pun
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
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Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Just thinking about that time in high school where they told us that, if we see a menacing person approaching, the best self defense is to act like a goddamn lunatic cuz no one wants to mess with a crazy person
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
My husband hates sex so much that he forgets my birthday.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?