I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
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*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Mmmm canned fish.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Ha.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times