I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
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You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.