I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING