@TylerFoFyler

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.

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@beccafacexo

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

@pmclellan

Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.

@bourgeoisalien

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

@MarfSalvador

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

@christinaloca

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

@KeetPotato

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

@advicefromphil

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not