You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.