HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not