Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
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[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
the best thing i’ve ever made
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.