Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I’m not saying I don’t like you, but if you had an open wound I’d hand you a salt shaker.
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Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[Interrupts the wedding vows] it’s open bar right?