Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
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[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Very good! 👍😂