“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”
“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”
I’m not saying I don’t like you, but if you had an open wound I’d hand you a salt shaker.
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her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.