@Jandalize

I’m not saying I don’t like you, but if you had an open wound I’d hand you a salt shaker.

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@hunz74

“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

Me: “Sometimes?”

“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”

Me: “Always.”

@clichedout

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

@Darlainky

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

@ladybroseph

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

@GrantTanaka

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

@Grind_n_Roll

Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.

@aissalanis

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

@PaperWash

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.