I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
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Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?