I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
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Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath