@CantWaitToNap

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

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@KeetPotato

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

@TwinSurvivalist

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

@tricycle_champ

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

@goldengateblond

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

@Mr_Kapowski

Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.

@freudianscript

My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

@mydmac

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.