I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
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Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?