I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
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Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Autocorrect completely socks
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.