Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
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A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?