I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
You Might Also Like
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Free him
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
water it, i dare you
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*