GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
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Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me checking my bank balance online.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”