I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
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Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Shortcut
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??