@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

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@TheRolo

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

@noimnotjewish

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

@ashmensch

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

@ToskaXxx

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

@audipenny

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

@KimmyMonte

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

@68Cly29

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

@blaha_Who

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

@sucittaM

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.