@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

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@Otter_News

If the earth IS flat then maybe dinosaurs live on the other side, and we keep digging up their dead and buried.
#SteveThoughts

@WilliamAder

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

@Hormonella

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

@MelvinofYork

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

@_Water_Baby

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

@RichardDawkins

I can’t think of many people who deserve to go to hell, but people who teach its existence to vulnerable children are prime candidates.

@onion_an

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

@Emonalisha

If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in line in front of you and pay for a single banana with a personal check

@evidentlyblonde

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”