I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
You Might Also Like
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
😂😂
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise