If the earth IS flat then maybe dinosaurs live on the other side, and we keep digging up their dead and buried.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
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No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
That’s because you’re in it…
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I can’t think of many people who deserve to go to hell, but people who teach its existence to vulnerable children are prime candidates.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in line in front of you and pay for a single banana with a personal check
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”