[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
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Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
thinking about this moment
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.