@ramblinma

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

You Might Also Like

@Thynebear

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

@flashember

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

@MaryJustice86

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

@TheAlexNevil

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

@jaboukie

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

@JTinkleComedy

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

@mattZillaaaa

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

@samalmightysam

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar