[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
You Might Also Like
[Swims out to Sea]
*dolphins save me*
*dolphins ask for a tip
*they return me to the shark*
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar