@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I’m a great dad, I’m just saying it’s a holiday weekend and I’m wearing cargo shorts with a Hawaiian shirt…

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@themorris23

Octopus 1-you up for tennis?

Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again

Octo1-..we dont have elb

Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL

@Tobi_Is_Fab

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

@ItsSamG

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

@joetullar123456

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

@LlamaInaTux

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

@Tups13

No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

@david8hughes

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

@CelebrityChez

(Interview)
Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.