The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
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Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Generation gap…
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*