Octopus 1-you up for tennis?
Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again
Octo1-..we dont have elb
Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL
I’m not saying I’m a great dad, I’m just saying it’s a holiday weekend and I’m wearing cargo shorts with a Hawaiian shirt…
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“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.