I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
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ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.