I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
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According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
this is literally a CIA plant
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters