I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
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I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My life coach traded me.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.