I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
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[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.