*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
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[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
How dude HOW?!
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.