I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
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Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner