@StarksWeek

I’m not saying I’m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I’ll probably do whatever you want

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@jakob_huber

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

@BreachingBad

She : You have a girlfriend.
Me : No. I had.
She : Where did she go?
Me : She Ransomware.

@PaperWash

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

@SladeWentworth

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

@momjeansplease

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

@Dave_in_SoPo

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

@UncleDuke1969

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

@bobvulfov

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

@PhuckinCody

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe