I’m not saying I’m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I’ll probably do whatever you want

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Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels


She : You have a girlfriend.
Me : No. I had.
She : Where did she go?
Me : She Ransomware.


Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?


*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it


My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.


You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom


Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.


Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.


DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool


ME: Let’s go get some chicks


FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe