Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I’m not saying I’m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I’ll probably do whatever you want
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She : You have a girlfriend.
Me : No. I had.
She : Where did she go?
Me : She Ransomware.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Why is it called being a virgin?
Why not a Get-no-sexual?
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe