@Marlebean

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

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@TheTweetOfGod

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

@joejwest

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

@ImSoFrancis

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

@Megatronic13

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

@alanferrier

Who would have believed that the perfect Wikipedia photo caption could have been improved upon?

@bananainches

Guys, I just got myself a new liquor cabinet!

The salesperson keeps calling it a 3 bedroom house for some reason. but its a liquor cabinet.

@chrisdowning

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

@freypalm

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.